grandma shit on top of the toilet
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
