dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
