haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
