On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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