my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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