Where is the hickey?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
