I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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