so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
