i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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