I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
