We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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