I think I just saw someone hide a body.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
