Well douche your snatch and let's go!
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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