I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
