Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
