I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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