The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
