Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
