Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
These tits shall not be calmed
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