grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
