i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
