Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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