some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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