Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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