apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
