I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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