Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
