Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
