My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
