i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
