I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
