How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
