Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
