I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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