If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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