Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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