Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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