shes about as inviting as chlamydia
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
