My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
