hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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