you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
