do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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