Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
