Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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