I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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