I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
