True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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