who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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