This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
