if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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