i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
