Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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