when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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