my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
