just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
