hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
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I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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