It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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