i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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