You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
