Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
